Status Report

To: Self
From: Self
Re: Inner Vamp

It has been brought to our attention that the aforementioned goal of embracing the ‘Inner Vamp’ has stagnated somewhat. To this end, it is proposed that you get up off your ever-expanding arse and get yourself on to a pole pronto. Investing your self-esteem in the opinions of others – especially men – merely obfuscates the issue and sets the process back (see last month for evidence). Whilst the management accepts the temptations present in a sexual relationship, experience has shown that you simply cannot be trusted to select appropriate partners and therefore, it is our recommendation that until the stated goal has been achieved, you desist from all such activity. In the event of sexual frustration, we recommend the liberal use of masturbation, and, if appropriate, casual sexual encounters with persons whose name you do not know or choose to know. Membership of Heartless Bitches International is optional but familiarity with their manifesto will ensure a more focussed and disciplined approach is maintained.

The Inner Vamp is a formidable beast and embracing her requires strength, courage and above all, discipline. The process is both fragile and complex. Resources need to be deployed accordingly and distractions are discouraged. Men are classified as distractions, poker is not, nor is pole dancing, pizza we’re on the fence about and we’ll get back to you about shopping. In the meantime, get off your pity pot, put on your lipstick, and remember why you’re here; being a goddess takes work. Now work it!

Yours, Self