Do You, Do You, Do You, Do You Wanna (Pole) Dance?

Among the dodgy auto-erotic asphyxiation perverts who happen across my blog, a number of visitors arrive here looking for pole dance advice. I thought it was about time to address such matters and so I offer you The Glamourpuss Guide to Pole Dancing ©:

So you want to start pole dancing classes?

Things to Check out Before You Sign up and Part With Your Cash
Qualifications:
Pole dancing classes tend to be taught either by ex-club dancers or fitness instructors, and to be honest, I’ve seen some pretty shocking practice from both. Fitness qualifications do not necessarily denote a good teacher, but do check the format of the class – there should be a warm-up, lots of structured pole activity and a cool-down or stretches to end.

First-Aid Training:
Pole dancing can be pretty dangerous. It’s definitely worth checking if someone present will know what to do should you hurt yourself badly.

Insurance:
Public liability insurance is essential – for your own protection and safety and I would not train with someone who did not have it. As a general rule, insurers only insure people they are satisfied know what they are doing, so if your teacher isn’t insured...

Number of Students per Pole:
It’s always worth checking how many people will be in the class with you and how many poles there are. We try to avoid more than three on a pole. Any less and you will work a lot harder, any more and you’ll do a lot of standing around. Three seems to work – you get enough time to practise without getting too exhausted.

What to Bring With You to the Class
Clothing:
The more skin you expose, the better your chances of sticking on that pole. For this reason, shorts and a vest top are recommended attire. A lot of ladies are quite shy about exposing their thighs, but the shorter your shorts, the better. I tend to wear big pants or hotpants, as the tops of the thighs are what you use to grip the pole when you sit on it.

Footwear:
A lot of the moves are actually easier in high heels, but most people start off in trainers until they get their balance. I usually tell students to wear trainers and bring heels so they can swap if they’re comfortable. Stripper heels take a bit of getting used to, so it’s best to start in normal high heels and graduate to the six-inch, platform stilettos.

Sense of Humour:
Seriously, if you can’t laugh at yourself and cope with looking a complete buffoon at times, this really isn’t the activity for you. At its best, pole dancing is sensual, graceful and awe-inspiring, but it takes a lot of slips, stumbles and falls to get there.

No Body Lotion:
It’s also worth mentioning that you really cannot wear hand cream or body lotion when pole dancing. You need grip. A lot of people joke about ‘greasing the pole’ but in practice, this would be suicide. Skin needs to be free from all creams and emollients – and that means that day, because most creams sit on the skin’s surface and become greasy again once you start to sweat.

What to Expect
Pole dancing carries a lot of connotations, many of them sleazy. But in a women-only pole fitness class, you will find an atmosphere that is far from the dim seediness of a fourth-rate strip club. We all feel a bit silly and embarrassed when we start, and we all wonder how the instructor can make it all look so effortless. In the course of your pole lessons, you will experience pain, laughter, the kind of bonding that only happens between women who stare at each other’s crotches week after week, and an exhilarating sense of achievement when you nail a new move.

The Aftermath
After my first pole dance lesson, I couldn't wear a jacket for a week, because the effort of pulling the thing on was just too painful. I always tell my classes that they can expect aching and stiffness at the beginning because pole dancing takes a lot of upper body strength and core strength. Most of the fitness activities aimed at women focus on reducing the size of your backside and thighs, rather than on developing strength. But if you want rid of those bingo wings, pole dancing is just the thing. I’ll never have stick-thin VB arms, but frankly, I’m pretty proud of my muscles.

The other thing you will have to contend with are the bruises. Until you gain the strength to control your body, you are likely to bump bony bits of yourself on the pole and bruise. It goes with the territory and as your pole repertoire expands, so do the places you find bruises. When I started dancing, people would look at my blackened legs piteously, no doubt imagining a violent husband at home. We always recommend the liberal application of arnica cream and/or arnica homeopathic remedy – it really does work.

Building Your Knowledge
One day I will publish my pole dancing book, but until then, if you want to learn more tricks, the best way is from the many instructional DVDs on the market. All levels are available but I would always recommend a few lessons before attempting to learn from a DVD, as knowing the basic principles will not only help you to pick things up more quickly, but will also protect you and keep you safe.

In addition, there are lots of useful forums, such as Body & Pole, where pole dancers discuss their discipline, upload clips of tricks and generally talk pole. You can contact your branch of the International Pole Federation, or browse sites such as My Pole and The Pole Dance Directory for lists of schools, stockists of poles, shoes and clothes, and clubs where you can go watch real, live pole dancers pole dance.

If you’re serious about your pole dancing, I would also recommend training with different people, as technique varies considerably, and finding a style that suits you will liberate you as a dancer.

Working as a Pole Dancer
A lot of the people I teach fall in love with the pole and want to earn a living doing it. These women have two basic options; they can become a dancer in a strip club, or they can become a competitive pole dancer.

To work in a club, you don’t really need to know how to pole dance. Most clubs teach their girls. The style of pole dance in strip clubs is slow, sensual and light on tricks. Most exotic dancers are up to intermediate level, some are advanced, and in the bigger clubs you are likely to see some fabulous tricks, but this really isn’t the key to success in that environment. Dancing on the pole is a way of advertising your wares, and is followed by hustling the customers for lap or table dances. There’s no doubt you can make a good living this way, but it’s not for everyone. If one of my girls wants to go down that road, I always suggest she begins by visiting as many clubs as she can, so that she sees exactly what is required of her before she gives up the day job.

If working in a strip club isn’t your bag, then you can make a living as a non-nude pole dancer at exhibitions, events and competitions. Most of the big schools have entertainment agencies where the top teachers also offer their services at events. If you want to go down this route, you need to be seriously good, and seriously dedicated. I know of a few people who make a living this way, but the dancing is trick-heavy and highly competitive. If you’re up for it, take a look on YouTube for footage from the Miss Pole Dance UK and World competitions and see if you’re a contender.

So there you go, that’s it. If anyone has any specific questions, feel free to email me*. I’ll do my best to answer you and if I can’t, I’ll put you onto someone who can. Pole dancing is one of the most demanding things I have ever done, but it is also one of the most rewarding – it’s made me strong, flexible and graceful, it’s improved my body image and confidence, and it’s a great way of opening a conversation.

Update: A Word About Prices
It's come to my attention that people are charging stupid money for pole dance lessons. Courses vary in price due to length of session and duration of course, but on average, you can expect to pay around £20 for a class. One-to-one lessons seem to vary enormously, but personally, I wouldn't pay any more than £45 to £50 an hour - especially if you're a beginner, because your strength and fitness level will limit what you can learn in an hour. Clearly, if you're attending a masterclass with a world-class poler like Pantera, you can expect to pay a bit more, but as a beginner, you're unlikely to be doing that. One local rival school run by traiterous chav bitches charge £85 an hour, plus VAT, for one-to-one tuition!! You get one of their instructors who they have trained and who will only teach you prescribed moves that are on their list (i.e. they limit your learning so they can fleece you for longer). I was absolutely horrified when I heard that - so you can train with World Champion Elena Gibson for £45 an hour, but two slappers out of the arse-end of Chatham will charge you almost double. The more I hear about that pole school, the more I despair, really, who do they think they are?

*If you email me, and I reply, it is only polite to say 'thank you' - I've lost count of the number of people I've written lengthy replies to, only to hear nothing, not a peep, and certainly not a 'thank you'. Frankly, that's just bad manners and it pisses me off.

**If any of the polers out there think I've missed something or got something wrong, please let me know!