EDW: Santa, Baby

Is it just me, or is Santa Claus getting fatter? Every image I see of him, whether it be on TV ads, posters or standing in shop windows, he’s clearly become clinically obese. Now, in these days of fattening populations and thinnening chimneys, I think that’s a little irresponsible and the fat boy should go on a diet. However, at this late stage, and with a planet of mince pies and glasses of sherry to consume next week, I’d settle for a costume change. As Trinny & Susannah rightly claim, that belly with that belt?

So, in the spirit of constructive criticism, I’d like to propose the following sartorial choices for a fat man with a lot of sleigh riding to do:

1.The kaftan
As this image of Demis Roussos amply demonstrates, the kaftan covers a multitude of sins. And he could even keep the boots from his current get up. Imagine Santa in a nice festive print, without any belt to draw attention to what a bloater he’s become.






2. The smoking robe
I have long been the kind of woman to fantasise about being seduced by the kind of cad who understands the place of a smoking jacket. It’s not just girls who ‘slip into something more comfortable’, you know, and I’d find the sight of a strange man in a smoking jacket at the bottom of my chimney far less alarming than the current sight SC presents.

Now, the smoking jacket does require some nous. Look at the pimp-wannabee over there with the bling and the pipe. He just looks like a twat, right? But consider the fellow in the polka dots there – it takes a real man to carry off dots, and he clearly knows it. Doubtless he carried off some willing filly later on, too; Santa, take heed – you could be delivering more than presents if you embrace this style wisely.

3. The covert coat
Maybe it’s my country childhood, but I do find the covert coat rather dashing. Granted, they are frequently sported by City tossers who wouldn’t know one end of a shotgun from the other (no bad thing if you actually gave them one – but stand well back), but to my mind, they speak more of gentlemanly pursuits and the benefits of a good tweed; warm, durable, thorn-resistant and supportive. Yes, a well-fitting covert coat would minimise that belly and suggest Santa actually understood the concept of tailoring – no bad thing for a man of his years.

So, there you have it. There’s still time for a more stylish Christmas. Oh, and while we’re at it, can we drop the Santa Claus crap? He’s Father Christmas – a far more dignified moniker, and if he follows Puss’s style tips, he’ll be Elegantly Dressed next Wednesday.